Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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