Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
