one two three fourrrrnication!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So much rum. So many feels.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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