Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize