Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Dicks are not precious.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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