God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
