You smell like a Billy Joel song
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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