You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
