Why is your signature on my underwear?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
