there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
