Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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