Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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