worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
