So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
