thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
