we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
