You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
is it fun? or sober?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
