Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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