You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
