Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
