im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
whose ass print is on the piano?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
