I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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