went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
