After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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