i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize
