He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
