i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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