anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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