I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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