Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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