I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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