just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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