I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
