I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
