my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
