I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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