This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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