I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
