I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
