take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
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