I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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