I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
