Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
