a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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