Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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