I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
