one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize