Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize