This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
