I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
