I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
