I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
