I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
