You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
