I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
