there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i dont even know how to be here
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 609 share tweet
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I need to calm my uterus...
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
