I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
