we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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