Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
