I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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