coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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