So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
