She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
