He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize