Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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