I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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