Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Randomize