The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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